From Kay Proctor… Solo auditor.
February 14, 2013
Recent win Solo Auditing…
Let me start by saying that I have always known that I was holding myself back in all ways, but the root source of what or why had never presented itself (as I was not ready to confront it). Everyone that knows me would tell me how powerful I was, yet, I would come back with the caveat, to myself, ‘with yeah, but where is the proof. I’m not this; I’m not that’ –self-invalidation.
I was recently in a job scenario where I worked for a fellow that was quite volatile with regards to his handling of business, financials, his life – just let his case hang out 99.9% of the time. I was running his office and doing all his financials, and he would constantly invalidate my work – that he could it better, faster, even with his hands tied behind his back.
Each time, I would solo audit some of the charge off and come back with a renewed sense of “I can handle this and make this go-right” – and have many times now. Make it go right is my mantra, no matter what the circumstances (even if it was constant suppression and invalidation?).
This work situation escalated to a point where this fellow was constantly trying to find reasons to let me go. He’d make statements that he’d have the CPA do what I am doing – they could probably do in an hour what I did in my 3-day work week.
Repeated demeaning, invalidating remarks. And each time, I would find a solution and continue on.
I finally reached a point about two weeks ago where I told him to knock it off, that it wasn’t okay to keep taking bites out of my ass, but of course, his case was directing him to get rid of me, so he had to justify that decision and continued with more invalidating remarks, insinuating I wasn’t working, that I was taking too long, that he could handle much of what I do—always a pins & needles environment, because whatever I did, it was always wrong.
With the help of my mentor and c/s, great TWC, she kept asking me about it the situation and finally the words annihilate popped out. That was “it”, he was trying to annihilate me. I knew I had “the item” to go into session.
Def. annihilate: to cause to be of no effect; nullify; to cause to cease to exist; to cause to vanquish completely.
So, I took myself into session and handled with session rudiments times that I was annihilated – to include ‘has a withhold been missed’ at which time, I realized that every time I had been annihilated, that I had to ‘start over’ which meant drop the body — a real ‘start over’. Take a look at 2D’s and all across life. Folks get cross-ways and just divorce (leave whatever), play the same song with a new person or gig – and get the same result or worse. Time & time again.
Start over – this hit me like a ton of bricks. I was rolling myself down the road towards another ‘start over’ and I wasn’t too damn jazzed about that. I had stuff I wanted to do and I was sabotaging myself.
I then looked at times I had annihilated myself – flow 0. Oh my…this was incredibly difficult to confront. It was ugly, brutal, bad outcome every time. Many times I’d have to put my attention back into the incident as I did not want to confront it. Then it blew –this big fat ugly implant.
This is a huge implant on the track. At these times, when we are annihilated (drop the body), we lose our knowledge, our ability to see, hear, as those are learned each lifetime when a new body is picked up. We cannot scream out that ‘this isn’t okay’ as this is what occurs in the between-lives area when we drop the body. We are just there, and if this implant isn’t spotted and blown, then it will repeat the same gig in the new life. Duh…
This implant was running like a motion picture. Now that it has blown, I can sit and watch the movie and it is quite fascinating how this had had a strong hold on me for eons. Huge held-down 7. Huge.
It is no mystery why I had not demonstrated my abilities, I couldn’t. It had rendered me powerless and caused me to compromise who I am as a being every single moment. I was willing to eat shit this guy was dealing out to me, because of a measly little paycheck – and keep coming back for more, over and over. What a sap.
As much as he was trying to annihilate, I was far busier annihilating myself. So to say that this implant was huge, that does not do the magnitude justice.
But here is the good news. Now, I had the tools to handle it. I can solo-audit. Nowhere this lifetime have I encountered such a bloody traumatic being that restimulated me to such a level, but at this moment, I made it happen because I had a way to confront it. I had the tools to do fix it. Now ain’t that just the cat’s meow.
I am powerful, pure power laced in the knowledge of how it was rigged to lessen my power. Annihilation is blown from my track.
Now to go dancing…